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Later in "News & Resources," links to an excellent book and article on neuroleadership by David Rock.

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My last newsletter described how to help a detail-oriented “Thinker” see the bigger picture. Let’s continue with the last style, the Relater.

Speed Up the Relater

The Relater is a people-oriented introvert. Relaters are at their best with clearly defined goals and opportunities to help team members. When resistant, Relaters may be slow and fearful of expressing concerns. This scenario shows how a manager handles her Relater boss’ resistance to calling a client.

Notice how the Relater boss tries to push his responsibility back on the manager by putting himself down. Self-critical comments are an attempt to win her sympathy and get himself off the hook. Notice how she stays calm and neutral without taking responsibility for his task.

Conversation with a Resistant Relater Boss

Manager: “I wanted to check with you about the Jones project. You said you would contact the client about our offer.”

Relater Boss: “I haven’t heard back from him since you sent that email.”

Manager: “Right. That’s why last week you told me that you would follow up with a phone call to him.”

Relater Boss: “I’ve been so busy working on my presentation for the conference. What time are you flying in? I really hope you can have dinner with Joe and me.”

Manager: “Thanks. My flight gets in at 6:00, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to meet you. Oh, back to the Jones project. It would be a big piece of business for us.”

Relater Boss: “I know. I’m awful for not calling. It’s just such an honor to be asked to present at this conference. And, I’m trying to be available for whenever Mary needs to talk about her father’s death.”

Manager: “You’re right to be concerned about the conference and Mary; they’re important. But, I’m nervous about the Jones proposal. When we discussed it last week, you felt that you were the best person to follow-up.”

Relater Boss: “You’re right. I’m awful. I’ll call him today.”

Manager: “I didn’t say you’re awful.”

Relater Boss: “But, you’re thinking it.”

Manager: “How do you know that?”

Relater Boss: “Because you’re angry.”

Manager: “I appreciate that you’re being honest. How does my face or body look right now that makes you think I’m angry?”

Relater Boss: “Well, right now I don’t see any signs of anger. You look relaxed.”

Manager: “Good. I don’t feel angry about the Jones thing at all.”

Relater Boss: “But even if you don’t look angry, you must be thinking that I’m lazy.”

Manager: “It sounds like you’re making up what I’m thinking.”

Relater Boss: “I guess I am. But, aren’t you having those thoughts?”

Manager: “Honestly, I’m not. Look, I know he’s not an easy sell. I did the same thing, wondering why he didn’t respond to my email. I imagined him thinking, ‘Their prices are inflated. I’m not going to respond.’ Stuff like that. If I think that’s what he’s thinking, of course I wouldn’t want to call him.”

Relater Boss: “You’re right. We have no idea what he’s thinking. Maybe he didn’t respond to your email because he’s on vacation. Who knows! What do you think we should do?”

Manager: “He’s a social type. Maybe we should talk with him at the conference.”

Relater Boss: “Good idea. Hey, thanks for pointing out my negative thoughts. In the future, let’s try to catch each other if it seems like we’re imagining the worst.”

Manager: “Sounds good. So, what’s the next step with Jones?”

Relater Boss: “I’m going to call him right now to schedule dinner…” (picking up the phone)

Would it feel scary or insubordinate to talk with your boss this way? I hope not. Imagine if this manager had let her boss rationalize that he was too busy to make the call. Don’t let anyone, including your boss, get away with a superficial defense.

When communicating with a resistant Relater who reports to you:

• Express appreciation for their dependability: “You’re our safety net. Thank you for keeping us updated on new federal regulations.”

• Listen to how they agree with everything you say, and then ask what is missing: “What did I leave out of that task description that you’re wondering about?”

• Set performance expectations so that they use direct communication and increase the pace to accomplish goals: “I really appreciate that your error rate is low. What could you do to increase speed while maintaining accuracy?”

I'd like to hear your ideas. Send me your thoughts or questions about the Relating style.

News and Resources:

• For an introduction to David Rock's book, Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long, read his article, Managing with the Brain in Mind an outstanding neuroscientific summary of the social nature of a high-performing workplace. Or, get the book. It's very good!

Suzanne

Suzanne Kryder, Ph.D.
P.O. Box 11892
Washington, DC 20008 USA
202.525.9430

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