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Thanks very much for subscribing to Mind Matters, the newsletter that turns brain research into practical leadership tools. This issue is only 695 words and takes less than 4 minutes to read.

Later in "News & Resources," upcoming retreats in Washington, DC and a book by neuropsychologist Rick Hanson.

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My last newsletter explained how to help a big-picture “Leader” style learn to identify specific tasks for a goal. Let’s continue with the next style, the Socializer.

Slow down the Socializer

Socializers are people-oriented extroverts; they'll talk with anybody about anything anytime. Socializers are at their best when solving problems, motivating others, and negotiating conflicts.

When resistant, Socializers might distract a conversation by changing the subject, making a joke, or rationalizing late assignments.

Notice in the following conversation how the Socializer’s mind resists focusing on the topic. Instead, it’s like a kid in a candy store who wants everything right now!

Use Laser Messages, Open-ended Questions, and surfacing what is happening in the conversation to slow down the social mind and focus it on your expectation.

Leader: “We still don’t have new furniture for the lobby.”

Socializer: “I haven’t had time to order it. The move is slamming me. People are complaining about their offices, and I haven’t gotten any help unpacking. And, my daughter and her husband are coming with the kids this weekend. Did I show you the pictures? The twins are adorable. Look at these. Aren’t they precious? We’re having a cookout Saturday if you want to come. Just burgers. Oh, you don’t eat meat. Well, there will be plenty of potato salad. That reminds me I need to…”

Leader: “Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt. Thanks for the invitation. I’m sorry I can’t make it. Let’s shift back to the move. You’ve done a great job handling many details. How can you make the furniture order a priority today?”

Socializer: “I can’t. I’ve got to mail the Open House invitations today. Jill is out sick, so I’ll have to cover the phones. And, I have a dentist appointment this afternoon, so I’m leaving at 3:00 which reminds me I could stop and pick up some charcoal for the grill…”

Leader: “Let’s focus on the furniture. What are three important reasons for ordering it this morning?”

Socializer: “We need it before the Open House, it’ll make us feel more at home, and I’ll get it off my to-do list.”

Leader: “Those are good reasons. How long will it take you to order it?”

Socializer: “I don’t have time.”

Leader: “I hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed. How long would it take if you had the time?”

Socializer: “Since we’ve already picked it out, it might take 30 minutes to call. But I have to cover the phones, so it’ll be a pain to keep putting the salesperson on hold, which reminds me I have to order a cake for the cookout. What icing do people like on chocolate cake, vanilla or chocolate?”

Leader: “The furniture. Who could you ask to cover the phones for an hour just in case you need that much time?”

Socializer: “Randy probably.”

Leader: “Good idea. Tell him I okayed asking for his help. The furniture is your top priority this morning. When you’re finished, email me the delivery date.”

Too Much Information

After reading that scenario, you might be thinking, “I don’t have time to tell people what their priorities are every day.”

I agree. It’s not your responsibility. Your direct reports and colleagues should be able to prioritize their to-do lists to meet their commitments.

Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to do that. This extreme Socializer clearly has developmental gaps around prioritization and follow-through.

Instead of ignoring the gaps or getting angry, address those skills in a future conversation so that they don’t continue to be a problem.

When communicating with resistant Socializers:

• Acknowledge their contributions with fun, authentic praise: “You must have super powers. Thank you for running such a flawless event.”

• Ask “When” questions to get a commitment on a specific deadline: “You’ve got a lot on your plate. When are you absolutely sure you can deliver this spread sheet?”

• Listen to their gut instincts, and then ask for backup data: “I hear that you’re worried about adding Linda to the team. What are her specific behaviors that concern you? How have you tried to address those with her in the past?”

I'd like to hear your ideas. Send your thoughts or questions about the Socializer style.

News and Resources:

• I'm in the process of scheduling public Mind to Lead workshops in Washington, DC this year. Check my future newsletters for details. Or, contact me for information on bringing a customized workshop to your organization.

• I just did a training with neuropsychologist Rick Hanson and highly recommend his book, Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. He explains how to improve brain functioning and be happier with simple, powerful tools.

Suzanne

Suzanne Kryder, Ph.D.
P.O. Box 11892
Washington, DC 20008 USA
202.525.9430

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